I’m always trying to convince the IRS that my dog is a dependent worthy of a tax deduction. So far, they’ve resisted that argument, once even threatening me with incarceration if I persisted in claiming her. I guess the IRS has no sense of humor.

To me, it’s obvious. My dog is part of the family and depends on me to provide her with sustenance and shelter. She’s no different than any other one-hundred and thirty pound child with fleas and an overwhelming urge to dig under the fence.

So when I learned about Citizens United and the Catholic church’s newest claim, I called the IRS again and demanded to know, “If fertilized eggs and corporations are people, why isn’t my dog classified the same?”

They said they’d get back to me.


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