Columbus Day…or, Can you Move your Ship, it’s on My Foot

Columbus day is the day we unpack our telescope and scan the heavens for planets we can migrate to. Through the years, our search has become a tradition like strangling turkeys for Thanksgiving, or mutilating pumpkins on Halloween. At this point in our life, we’re not particular as long as the inhabitants of our new home are friendly. But if given a choice, we’d prefer little pale people with big round eyes over lizard fangs dripping acid but that’s just us.

For on Columbus day, the inhabitants of this planet go insane for twenty-four hours, arguing over who discovered America. First, the Native Americans storm out of their casinos claiming they were here before anyone. Then the Jersey-shore crowd put down their forks and chime in. Our ancestors, the Vikings, poke their head out from under piles of blankets and point to Newfoundland on the map. Recently, even the Chinese have entered the bidding war to claim first rights.

This would be all good fun if left there but you know that won’t happen. Before the time it takes to say Wounded Knee, the accusations over who committed the worse atrocities begin. That’s when we climb to the attic to unpack the telescope.

So here’s our solution to all the bickering: we would do away with Columbus Day and rename the holiday Atrocity Day. Think about it. It does have a nice ring and the rest of the world wouldn’t feel left out. To be fair, we could set up a panel of psychopaths as judges…

That’s all for now. We’ve spotted a planet that looks promising – hope it’s not inhabited by humans.


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